The idea of the lone wolf has a mystique. The Western genre of movies is a prime example. Clint Eastwood launched a career out of playing the Man With No Name in films like The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. The Eastwood films, directed by Sergio Leone, found inspiration in real life Samurai like Miyamoto Musashi, who left his village at the age of fifteen, leaving is family and possessions behind, to travel and engage in battle. The epic novel Mushashi, based on the real life exploits of Japan’s most famous swordsman, is a classic example of Japanese storytelling.

The Eastwood or Mushashi character is an incredibly popular narrative, capturing the archetype of the mysterious man who is seemingly alone in the world. These characters are strong, courageous and show honor in the face of adversity, but what makes them particularly attractive to many men is the fact that they are essentially fighting a private battle, often outside of “civilized” society. Through their actions these characters depict something that so many men are looking for: strength, honor and virtue.

It’s no secret why such narratives are appealing— the idea that men can go at it alone is seen as an ultimate example of manhood. But men need more than that. They need a sense of community, something that millions of men simply don’t allow themselves to have nowadays.

Previous generations were much better at fostering and maintaining this sense of community. Whether it was through social organizations like the local Moose or Masonic Lodge or via weekly bowling leagues or card games men in the past were much better at prioritizing and creating time for groups of men to connect.

Even for the men where community exists there is still a fundamental problem: they just don’t open up. The millions of men that get together and golf every weekend? A vast majority of them know very little about what is really going on in the lives of their friends. We get together and watch sporting events, play golf, talk business and politics. Yet we know nothing about the personal lives of our close male friends or anything they are going through beyond basic surface level things.

Nowadays millions of men are dealing with the extreme of both situations. Not only do they not prioritize quality time with their close male friends, when they get together they are completely closed off. I was the classic example of this, the closed off lone wolf. I have a great group of friends who all going through a lot of the same things that I’m dealing with at this point in my life. Yet, for some reason, I used to find it incredibly difficult to open up with anyone about the struggles I was having.

Why don’t men open up?

For many they were raised in an environment where opening up was something that men just didn’t do. Our dads and granddads who played in bowling leagues and met the crew weekly down at the lodge? They probably weren’t opening up about their inner feelings. There’s a reason the phrase “stiff upper lip” exists. As role models, husbands and dads, men do need to display strength and confidence versus emotion. But beyond the strength in the face of adversity we also need avenues to open up to others in a positive way about the things we are dealing with.

So what is the answer? The answer is to get out of your comfort zone.

Professionally you need it. The days of finishing college and then beginning a thirty-year-career at a single company are long gone. The reality of today’s job market and economy is that the next opportunity is always right around the corner. We don’t stay at jobs for years at a time and many of us are part of the independent contractor economy. For these reasons its critical to put yourself out there and build connections. I myself have made this mistake in the past. As someone who has been in professional sales my entire career one of the benefits is the ability to live in beautiful Southern California and have a job where I don’t have a local office to go to. That freedom and separation has a downside. Without a corporate office to show up at every day it’s harder to make personal connections with co-workers. I have to go out of my way to build those bonds and show value. You will never know where your next business opportunity and promotion will come from. It very well could be that other parent that you met when your kids played soccer together. Be comfortable being uncomfortable and forge those personal and professional bonds.

Your peer group has best advice. You can only get so much from reading a book or through the Internet. It’s critical to have sounding boards that you can open up to and even vent to that aren’t your significant other. Talking through things with other guys that are going through the same things is extremely valuable. Not only do you get great advice it also makes you realize that 1)what you’re going through isn’t that unusual and 2)there are others that are going through things that are much worse. Perspective is an incredible thing.

Someday you may need that person to turn to. We live in the most connected time in history yet people are less connected than ever. If something did happen in your personal life where you need the aid of a close friend or even a couch to crash on its critical that you have those personal bonds made up of men who are willing to drop everything and help you out. Unfortunately for many that sense of community just doesn’t exist and they feel completely alone in the world.

Finally, it’s incredibly good for the soul. Challenge your close friends to get out of their comfort zone and elevate their interpersonal relationships. Most importantly, plan things. A massive difference between women and men is that women are great planners when it comes to creating memories with their group of girls. So plan that fishing trip or that hike in the mountains. Get out, spend some fulfilling and quality time together, and talk about life.

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