As someone who’s worked in tech for years, I’ve long been a fan of the Dilbert Comics by Scott Adams. So many of the absurdities of office life that I’ve experienced in my sales career are captured so perfectly. In the past few years Adams has emerged as a major figure in the political space due to his prediction that Donald Trump would win the 2016 Presidential Election. In addition to his comics I’m a huge fan of his book How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big. In the book Adams tells his life story with great emphasis on the tools he’s used to become a successful cartoonist and entrepreneur. Like you would expect from the guy who gave us Dilbert, it’s a pretty funny book, but also very inspiring as he details his determination to overcome some serious health obstacles while starting several companies.

Of all the great ideas my biggest takeaway from the book is the focus on a system rather than goals. Our entire life we are constantly told to set goals and that if you achieve those goals you will reach your dreams. From Scott’s point of view we are going about this entirely wrong. We don’t need goals. We need a system to achieve those goals.

A perfect example of a system instead of a goal is losing weight. Every January millions of Americans wake up from their Holiday overindulgence and decide they need to lose weight. So what do they do? They set a “goal” of losing a certain amount of weight, whether it be ten, twenty or even one-hundred pounds. But what does that “goal” actually do for you without a system of achieving it? The system a person may put in place to lose weight would be to decide to not only join a gym, but get up every morning at 5:00 AM and go to the gym to work out. In the book Adams writes of times where he gets up, puts his workout clothes on, and drives to the gym only to sit in the parking lot and not actually go inside because he just doesn’t feel up to it that day. The fact he doesn’t go into the gym that day (which happens infrequently) doesn’t bother him since he is maintaining the “system” he has in place of getting up early every day and getting dressed to go to the gym. The act of the daily process of having a schedule and sticking to your schedule is much more effective. The key is that rather than a vague “goal” you have an actual process in place that you can follow. In this case Adams is creating the system that he is a person who gets up and goes to the gym every day.

The same thing goes with relationships and engaging with your partner. There are millions of men out there that love their wife and want a better relationship but aren’t achieving what they want. As time goes by their relationship suffers, romance is lost and their partners increasingly drift away with the feeling that the man in their life just doesn’t care. So the answer is a system. If you are not a born romantic you have to put together a system that works for you. It’s no different than setting the alarm for the same time every day to go to the gym. Building a system creates a pattern and a mindset. The same can happen with relationships. It’s about re-prioritizing your partner in your life. Like other successful systems, the effort you put in will create a pattern which will eventually become a norm in your life. So actively draw up a system designed toward better attachment that prioritizes better engagement. Use modern technology such as calendars and reminder tools to your advantage. Set aside a couple nights per month as designated date nights. Set some calendar reminders a week or two out to make the reservation or grab a small gift of some flowers. I actively include my wife in my daily goal setting exercise as part of my morning routine. I’ve written in prior posts that I use a method I learned from Marshall Goldsmith of daily test questions to make sure I’m on track. As part of those test questions and daily to do’s I make sure that one of those items is a daily goal to do something thoughtful for my wife. The true romantics may think such a practice is not natural and shouldn’t be so forced, but the reality is that all behavior is learned, including being thoughtful and romantic. For every incredibly thoughtful man there are a lot of guys that need a system. Its not that we don’t want to connect with their partners. They are just poor at it and it doesn’t come natural. The cliche guy who runs out for flowers at 5:00 PM on Valentine’s Day is a cliche for a reason. He exists.

So whether you want to attain six-pack abs, run a marathon or learn a foreign language, concentrate on putting together a system that gets you closer every single day to that goal. We are all human and there will be days where we fail to meet out those objectives, but the important thing is that we are incorporating a framework to achieve those dreams, one day at a time.