I had the honor this past weekend of accompanying my son and his high school rugby team as they took part in a team-building exercise with some members of the 5th Marine Regiment at Camp Pendleton in Southern California. The experience we had and the lessons he and his team learned really resonated, reinforcing many of the critical skills I’ve worked hard to instill in my son. It also reminded me why I love the culture and toughness of rugby so much.

In the end I think all parents really want the same thing: well-adjusted kids of strong character and determination (grit) that are resilient enough to handle what life throws at them. In the case of my son I believe my role is to turn him into someone who will eventually become a great father, partner and provider. This past Saturday the US Marine Corps helped reinforce some of the key lessons my wife and I have worked so hard to instill in our kids.

There were three big lessons that stood out:

You’re only in a race against yourself: We started the day with the rugby players splitting up into two groups to complete a PT (Physical Training) circuit. As my sons group started the circuit the act of rushing to compete with the other group led to initial mistakes. As the team struggled through an early station, the Lance Cpl. leading the PT circuit made a statement that really resonated:

“you’re only in a race against yourself.”

Most of us have probably heard it before, but it really is timeless wisdom. In life who you’re competing against really doesn’t matter and you shouldn’t worry about the other guy. The struggle inside your head is the biggest obstacle. As the Lance Cpl. went through the ten station circuit and outlined the very difficult physical challenges ahead I’m confident every single rugby player had doubts in their mind about their ability to complete the course. The idea that you’re only in a race against yourself is a reminder that the biggest challenge most of us face in becoming our best-self is getting out of our own way. The real battle is the battle inside our heads versus the negative self-talk that defeats many of us before the challenge even begins.

The ultimate measure of a man is when he’s faced with adversity: As the boys were gutting through the ten station competition and reaching a pretty grueling section where they had to fireman’s carry another player and do twenty-five squats, the Lance Cpl. made this statement:

“The ultimate measure of a man is when he’s faced with adversity.”

No matter what stage you’re at in life, whether you’re a 15-year-old rugby player or a 44-year-old software salesman and aspiring writer, you will always have adversity in your life. It’s how you respond to that adversity that is important. In the moment when things are tough and you’re hurting and questioning your lot in life you have a decision to make— to quit or to fight through. The young men on Saturday, who pushed through and impressively completed the circuit, felt the satisfaction and elation of not quitting but choosing to fight through the discomfort and pain.

It very much reminds me of the quote from Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius that became the inspiration for the title of one of my favorite books, The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday.

“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”

You can’t overcome your obstacles by not taking action and wishing your obstacles would just go away. You need to take them head-on. It’s how we respond to obstacles that defines us.

Just when you think you can’t give anymore you can always dig deep and go further: To wrap up the day the parents and players had the honor of taking a grueling hike up 1st Sergeant Hill, a journey made tougher by recent rain and sections of pretty severe incline. It was a relatively short but steep elevation hike and we battled the mud as we had to get on all fours to complete several sections.

At the top of the hill there are dozens of memorial crosses that commemorate members of the “Fighting 5th” who made the ultimate sacrifice and lost their lives in battle. Every one of the crosses was trekked up the same section of hill we covered. The top of the mountain is a very powerful and emotional place. One one side you have views of the 5th Marine regimental housing, including a barracks named after Lance Cpl. Donald Hogan, who lost his life to a roadside bomb in Afghanistan. On the other side you have a beautiful view of the Pacific Ocean. The hill itself is covered with crosses that represent the brave Marines who lost their lives. It was a very powerful experience.

When we reached the top a fellow rugby dad and Marine Corps Colonel that organized the event spoke eloquently about the brave young men who were memorialized on top of the mountain, several just a year or two older than some of the senior athletes on the team. He explained why we saved the hike for the end of a grueling day of PT and rugby:

“Just when you think you can’t give anymore you can always dig deep and go further.”

The men who lost their lives and were subsequently memorialized by their fellow Marines on top of the Mountain had to face this obstacle daily on the fields of battle. The lesson is that there will be times in life where you feel like you just can’t give any more, but you have to. It’s these times, where we dig deep and break through the barriers we’ve created in our minds, that we truly understand what we are capable of.

The Colonel’s Message reminds me of a passage from former Navy SEAL Eric Greiten’s book The Heart of the Fist: “And this was one of the greatest lessons from Hell Week. We learned that after almost eighty hours of constant physical pain and cold and torture and almost no sleep, when we felt that we could barely even stand, when we thought we lacked even the strength to bend over and tie our boots, we could in fact pick up a forty-pound rucksack and run with it through the night.”

It was a remarkable day and I feel absolutely grateful that my son and I were able to experience it. Here is a picture of the boys at the top of the hill with their coaches and the Marines.

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