The Search for Emotional Stamina
My grandmother used to say that both bad news, and good news, can travel in three’s. We’ve all been on the business end of bad news when a series of events makes us believe that the world has conspired against us. It’s that week where the car breaks down just when the checking account is the lowest it’s been in months and the hot water heater just happens to break a day later. Often these personal struggles can coincide with a stressful time at work and in our family life, as we soon become convinced that the world is definitely aligned against us. It’s during times like this that our intestinal fortitude is truly tested— we either get off the proverbial mat or just lay there and let life deal us blow after blow.
Well-known author and psychiatrist Phil Stutz has coined a term for our ability to build resilience in these situations and it’s called “emotional stamina”. Stutz defines it as the ability to bounce back from challenges quickly, in essence, the ability to take our lumps and move on.
When it comes to the human condition, emotional stamina, if cultivated (and it’s hard!) might be our most important superpower. It’s common sense that the ability to respond quickly and positively to adversity, to get back off the proverbial pavement after you’ve been knocked down, is a big part of what makes many successful people just that, successful. In reality, though, it’s extremely difficult. because we are after all, human.
Emotional stamina is about thriving at the worst times, the worse we feel, the more determination we have to get up, dust ourselves off, and keep moving forward.
So how do we develop emotional stamina? How do we ensure that a catastrophic event in our life doesn’t find us laying in bed, moping around the house, or aimlessly binge-watching television all day when we should be focusing on the next step towards our goal?
I can talk from a place of experience. For years I lacked any remote semblance of emotional stamina. Real turmoil or complication would quickly find me withdrawn, sullen, and tough to be around. This pattern would typically appear during the complex transaction cycles of the corporate software sales job I’ve held for over a decade. As the negotiation with the customer would be tenser, the more my emotional stamina would suffer.
In my previous post, I wrote about the daily routine and specifically the practice of meditation and the profound impact it’s had on me. Studies have shown that a consistent practice of meditation can lead to more positive emotions, longer-lasting emotional stability, and heightened focus. For years meditation was a practice that I tried to incorporate into my life but constantly struggled with. As I researched the topic more I realized that everyone struggles with meditation, even those that have practiced it for years. The key was getting a good streak going and sticking with it. I now look at meditation as a moment of peace in a busy life, the chance to close my eyes, and still my mind. What I soon realized is the practice was helping me stay calm and centered throughout my day.
As I write this, I’m navigating the most challenging time of my life, a time of personal upheaval and massive change. I’m certain that without my daily routine of focused breathing, meditation, and daily journaling, I could very well be in a tailspin right now— but I’m not. Through all of the upheaval, I’ve been able to find emotional stamina that has helped me continue to thrive throughout this period.
When Phil Stutz talks about finding emotional stamina, he talks about having a consistent protocol to follow when times get tough, something you can turn to quickly rebound and fail into a tailspin of emotion and negativity. He and his writing partner, Barry Michels, developed a protocol and the best selling book around the subject called The Tools. The Tools are just that, a series of “tools” you can use to re-direct negative emotion and re-center yourself towards moving forward with positivity and energy. I strongly recommend the book, it’s a fascinating read and I’ve been working to incorporate a number of the tools into my daily life, even carrying a card in my wallet that reminds me to focus on key Stutz/Michels concepts like Active Love, The Reversal of Desire, Inner Authority, and the Vortex. I’ve written in the past about The Reversal of Desire and how the concept of “Bring it on!” has changed the way I approach obstacles that in the past would leave me feeling self-doubt and lack of motivation to move forward.
A big part of the human experience is dealing with rejection. As a sales professional for the past two decades I’ve dealt with rejection over and over. The true test of an individual is not how they carry themselves when times are good, but how they react in times of troubles, whether or not they have the fortitude to carry on towards the goals they want to achieve in their lives. That’s emotional stamina, a key component to fully realizing what you want in life. Like anyone, I’m not there yet. I’ve gotten much better over time but I still fight resistance every single day. We all face resistance every single day, in every walk of life and every profession. It’s how we fight that resistance that can set us apart.